i have totally lost my mind. these past few days i’ve been really unproductive… makes me want to yell at myself, if only i could do that without the neighbors wondering whether or not i am crazy.

well, maybe i’m crazy after all. and it’s frustrating to know that it’s true.

**sigh sigh**

if you and i are of the same world, you will understand what i mean by that.

for quite some time i felt like i’ve been in exile..

i felt rejected…. alone… desperate… abandoned…. i didn’t realize that i was the one who left him, abandoned the love he offered me….

“tell me, when did i lose my first love?” I heard from a song one day… and the words came rushing into my heart and into my brain as if forming pictures of the past… and i then remembered how he had loved me from the start. how he had showed me his love by doing everything… everything i can’t do… or even imagine…

he taught me everything i know now, and gave me everything i have now… everything i don’t deserve.

How come i have forgotten him? How awful i am!

He was and still is the one who sacrificed A LOT for me… yet his heart always gets crushed because of me….

Still, he has always been there waiting… patiently hoping for my return…. ready to forgive me no matter how hardheaded i have become…

Even when i turned my back from him and sought comfort from other people and other things, he was still there to help me… he whispered courage to me  from time to time and shared his strength with me so that i may keep on living… so that i may continue waking up day by day… all these things he did – unnoticed.

Why was i so calloused-hearted that i never even felt bad about leaving him?? All those times i’ve been enjoying myself. i made the most of the freedom i got. i laughed my heart out. i did things my own way. i became master of my own life…..

But why was i never satisfied?

During those times of egocentricity i still felt the lack of something in my life… it was as if there existed a tiny hole in my heart and no matter what i do to make myself complete, i end up having that hole becoming bigger and bigger..

that hole… that longing… that deep desire to come back to him… exploded at a very unexpected moment.. unexpected — at least to me, but to him everything had been set. it happened that time because it was already planned to happen at that time. nothing is unexpected to him.

moving on,

that very moment of deep pain and self- disgust led me to him… to kneel before him and lay my heart before him in surrender…

i cannot help but think it’s only by grace… amazing grace that i was able to come to such a point in my existence.

but the thing is, the end has not yet come.

aikou 07

i have given myself back to my Maker.

i received great joy.

i am amazed by His great love.

but then…

just as it is said,

if you take a step towards something you really want, it means taking a step away from what you currently have.

it’s true.

maybe pain is my companion.

my way of communication.

i can never understand without getting hurt.

When i took a step towards my first love, He pulled me one step away from my present obsession.

and darn. it hurt. a lot.

i felt stupid. i felt unvalued. i felt so small, so insignificant.

i hated the feeling but i wasn’t able to escape it somehow…

i knew i had to face it. it was part of the test.

and my heart —- it’s so shattered… ebbing away with the wind..

but why?

why am i so weak? in the end i still sacrificed my time and effort. Just to be of any help to him.

The maker of my being is surely unhappy that i am being unreasonable.

How can reason exist when love and insanity prevail in this stupid heart…

Now here i am in such a blissful moment. empty. wishing i had chosen to be with myself and my maker, than sitting here alone in the midst of a busy crowd.

Despite the noise, i can hear nothing but silence. nothing but a small echo at the back of my mind saying,

“why didn’t you guard your heart well?”

i can’t argue with the small voice because it’s darn right.

How can i be lost in his world where the center is only hismelf? where the master is his own will? where the standard of a good man is his own proud existence?

his presence, which was once my only harbour — has turned into a place foreign to my being.

now that i am with him, i ought to be in glee..
yet the only things that come into view inside my heart are painful memories, the unappreciated efforts
and never-ending misery caused by his apathy and insensitivity…

this, i guess, is the end. the stop signal. my cul-de-sac.

(written 07 02 2010)