again?!
Dormancy… we all undergo such period.
if you and i are of the same world, you will understand what i mean by that.
for quite some time i felt like i’ve been in exile..
i felt rejected…. alone… desperate… abandoned…. i didn’t realize that i was the one who left him, abandoned the love he offered me….
“tell me, when did i lose my first love?” I heard from a song one day… and the words came rushing into my heart and into my brain as if forming pictures of the past… and i then remembered how he had loved me from the start. how he had showed me his love by doing everything… everything i can’t do… or even imagine…
he taught me everything i know now, and gave me everything i have now… everything i don’t deserve.
How come i have forgotten him? How awful i am!
He was and still is the one who sacrificed A LOT for me… yet his heart always gets crushed because of me….
Still, he has always been there waiting… patiently hoping for my return…. ready to forgive me no matter how hardheaded i have become…
Even when i turned my back from him and sought comfort from other people and other things, he was still there to help me… he whispered courage to me from time to time and shared his strength with me so that i may keep on living… so that i may continue waking up day by day… all these things he did – unnoticed.
Why was i so calloused-hearted that i never even felt bad about leaving him?? All those times i’ve been enjoying myself. i made the most of the freedom i got. i laughed my heart out. i did things my own way. i became master of my own life…..
But why was i never satisfied?
During those times of egocentricity i still felt the lack of something in my life… it was as if there existed a tiny hole in my heart and no matter what i do to make myself complete, i end up having that hole becoming bigger and bigger..
that hole… that longing… that deep desire to come back to him… exploded at a very unexpected moment.. unexpected — at least to me, but to him everything had been set. it happened that time because it was already planned to happen at that time. nothing is unexpected to him.
moving on,
that very moment of deep pain and self- disgust led me to him… to kneel before him and lay my heart before him in surrender…
i cannot help but think it’s only by grace… amazing grace that i was able to come to such a point in my existence.
but the thing is, the end has not yet come.
aikou 07
