새로운 생활 (new life)
Today is really special.
i have given myself back to my Maker.
i received great joy.
i am amazed by His great love.
but then…
just as it is said,
if you take a step towards something you really want, it means taking a step away from what you currently have.
it’s true.
maybe pain is my companion.
my way of communication.
i can never understand without getting hurt.
When i took a step towards my first love, He pulled me one step away from my present obsession.
and darn. it hurt. a lot.
i felt stupid. i felt unvalued. i felt so small, so insignificant.
i hated the feeling but i wasn’t able to escape it somehow…
i knew i had to face it. it was part of the test.
and my heart —- it’s so shattered… ebbing away with the wind..
but why?
why am i so weak? in the end i still sacrificed my time and effort. Just to be of any help to him.
The maker of my being is surely unhappy that i am being unreasonable.
How can reason exist when love and insanity prevail in this stupid heart…
Now here i am in such a blissful moment. empty. wishing i had chosen to be with myself and my maker, than sitting here alone in the midst of a busy crowd.
Despite the noise, i can hear nothing but silence. nothing but a small echo at the back of my mind saying,
“why didn’t you guard your heart well?”
i can’t argue with the small voice because it’s darn right.
How can i be lost in his world where the center is only hismelf? where the master is his own will? where the standard of a good man is his own proud existence?
his presence, which was once my only harbour — has turned into a place foreign to my being.
now that i am with him, i ought to be in glee..
yet the only things that come into view inside my heart are painful memories, the unappreciated efforts
and never-ending misery caused by his apathy and insensitivity…
this, i guess, is the end. the stop signal. my cul-de-sac.
(written 07 02 2010)
